WTF ???

I’m bobbing gently in some silvery water. I’m face down and under the surface. It’s bright. The water must be in a be perspex or glass tank, and there are other people here, also gently bobbing up and down. I’m locked in but aware. I know my consciousness is fading. I’m dying. I’m not scared or unhappy, I seem to have come to terms with dying. I almost welcome it. My conscious continues to fade and it’s not long now.

And I wake with a shock, powerfully swiveling myself round in bed so that I am sitting up with my legs over the side. And I’m shaking, I feel that I came very close to actually dying, and I really don’t know why, but I feel I’m not quite ready for it.

 

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Travis 2

The previous posting was intended as a catharsis. It didn’t work. I have to accept that I can be a deeply unpleasant, selfish, cold individual sometimes.

Travis

Why don’t I feel as sad about this as I should?

The rational side of me can say that he was unhappy, anxious nearly every minute of every day, that we had tried everything and there seemed to be no options left that offered any chance of him improving, and that he was deteriorating.

This is all true, but the emotional side of me knows I failed him. I promised him a safe, caring “forever” home, but I killed him. I ended his life.

And was it all for the right reasons? Was it because he was a deeply troubled dog with no quality of life? Or was it because his behaviour had such an impact on our household both on a day to day basis, and in terms of things like what holidays we could have?

If I’m honest (and here is the place to be honest) it was both and I couldn’t say which perspective was stronger. I had really given up on him. I think we tried everything, but the lack of any positive response from him really made it difficult to sustain. And if he’d been stable I think we could have lived with our little hermit in the corner. But his behaviour was getting more erratic and unpleasant, and even Rita was struggling with him.

Was this the natural course of his mental illness? Would he have continued to deteriorate or would he have waxed and waned in his functioning? We’ll never know because we didn’t give him the chance for some valid reasons and some selfish ones. I can be a cold, selfish bastard sometimes, lacking the emotion that I see in others. I really can be not very nice.